Gardening for the soul

A long time ago in a land far far away...

I had some wonderful grandparents, all of them, whom I thought a lot of this weekend.

This weekend, I spent a lot of time working on my garden, replanting tomatoes I had grown in a pot and re-spacing my herb bed.

My maternal grandparents had a garden when I grew up that was the size of the land I now live on. I fondly remember Grandpa taking us for rides on his John Deere garden tractor while he worked. We loved it!

You name it, they grew it, and Grandma and all my aunts would help harvest, can and freeze the bounty. I used to hate having to go into the garden to help pick the vegetables:

"Uh they sell this stuff in the store why are we doing this?" I thought.

I LOVED helping pick the strawberries; two for me - one for the basket! ha ha!

Then one day, I broke out in a rash while picking these delicious berries.

Yea, I thought, I don't have to stand out here!

Boo, I don't get to eat the berries.

Instead I got a bowl of green beans and got to sit on the porch and snap off the ends.

Later we found I am not allergic to the strawberries the leaves just irritated my skin. YES!!!

Now that I have grown, I find a few things beneficial about gardening:

1. Fresh fruits and veggies are to expensive at the store and for one single dollar I can grow more tomatoes than I will ever need! [I buy seeds.]
2. Getting back to nature is extremely therapeutic! It seemed I thought of nothing while I gardened and felt so refreshed! More so than if I had gotten 8 hours of sleep.

I also find some things about gardening that I don't like:

1. Texas is the hottest place on earth to try to garden! I have finished before 9 every morning and was sweating so much.
2. It's hard to figure out the watering schedule. The ground is moist about 4 inches down but dries so fast above that.
3. I am talking to my plants and explaining to them that I am moving them around for their benefit! [I have seriously lost my mind!]

I miss my Grandparents so much! Grandpa B worked for John Deere as long as I can remember, he was a tall man who was very tender and loving. Grandma B was always a homemaker, she never drove, she was a wonderful baker and gardener.

Truly wonderful people that I hope I take after. I have always had what I call a black thumb, I didn't inherit their green thumbs, but I did hopefully inherit their personalities.

I know this is sounding like random babbling, but I wanted to honor them.

RIP Grandma and Grandpa B.

Young Lady

Today I woke up with the worse pain in the right side of my head. It's only allergies and I will live but seriously! I never had allergy issues like this when I lived in Michigan or North Carolina!

Now I will get back to me:

When I said things came easily to me I did not mean monetary/material items. I didn't get my way all the time and I was not spoiled - despite what my mom says.

I guess what I meant was that my life was not that hard. I passed in school without really trying. I secured jobs that I wanted without actually having a good interview. I dated almost any guy I wanted to and money was not a issue like it is now.

NOW...

I have not been on a date in 2.5 years! I have to work my ass off to get any recognition at work! I have to work my ass of to pay my bills. Rarely do I stay home from work, as I did today, because financially, I cannot afford it. But there was no way in hades I would have been able to deal with Thing 1 and Thing 2 and the "boss".

I want to speak of my childhood but feel it is completely unnecessary at this point. What happened, happened. I have discussed all of the issues with the people who matter and we have rebuilt bridges.

As a teen I was the quiet, geeky looking, stoner girl in the back of the class. At lunch you could catch me and my step sister behind the school with the hottest guy in our class, smoking dope.

No longer do I use street drugs, that all stopped after the birth of my daughter, we will get to her another time.

I graduated middle of the class - yes, that's me AVERAGE. I had no ambition to go to college, I guess I didn't have any ambition period.

A few years later I chose to visit my dad [from whom I had been sort of estranged]. I knew if I were to grow as an individual and hopefully have a successful relationship, I would have to get over my issues with him and his part in our dysfunctional family.

Things went well and he was by far a better dad now, than when I was younger. I chose to stay in NC and met Satan himself, Taylor's dad. [Taylor is my daughter]

We partied like rock stars and he used me like the hotel room that rock stars like to trash. I still to this day have a broken nose that he gave me. As well as many other battle scars and emotional scars.

If you know me then you know my teeth are fucked up! This is thanks to him. His fist loved my face so much it caused hairline fractures in my teeth as well as other bones in my face.

Why don't I get it fixed? You are wondering. Well, I have been a single mother for almost 19 years now, if you have ever been a single parent then you know finances are strained.

I am praying this year I can get approval for a loan through the dentist office to have it fixed. I am sure this alone will make me feel better about myself.

Wow! This really does bother me, so much more than I thought. I am crying my eyes out right now and can barely see the computer.

Anyway, this is a physical thing that can be fixed hopefully sooner than later.

Things got so bad between me and Satan that I attempted suicide. I also pushed back at him so hard that he would hopefully put me out of my misery. He told me several times where he was going to take my body so no one could find it... He choked me until I passed out... He tried to put a huge Rambo style knife through my head....

It was that bad and that's why I attempted suicide.

Then I found out I was pregnant.

There was no way in Hades I was going to let my child grow up in that environment. She gave me the courage to leave [my dumb ass stayed awhile because I thought the baby would change him].

We left eventually and that resulted in a ride in a police car for my safety so I could file a report. My dad coming to my home in the middle of the night to watch Taylor while I was at the police station. A 911 call coming over the police radio, it was my dad! He had Satan at gun point and was not going to take it off him until the police got there. If I remember right, he said he would shoot him if he tried to run! :)

(I love you dad!)

Taylor:

I have always called her my angel for her presence saved my life.

She gave me a reason to live.

FYI:

To this day Satan says everything that happened was all in my head. It never happened....

whatever

Hi My Name Is...

Hi! My name is Kristen, I am a 44 year old woman who works in the executive offices of a major retailer. I am here to help myself get "me" back.

I have never had to work hard for much all my life. Don't get me wrong, I never had everything I ever wanted but things did come easily to me. As a child I lived in a dysfunctional family and had a wonderful mom who pulled us through it without any serious scaring.

As a teen I was a parents nightmare and fondly called myself 'the only hell my momma ever raised'. You name it, I probably did it!

Early twenties I met my daughters 'sperm donor' and spent 4 years in hell - a dysfunctional family of my own.

Mid twenties, I went nuts! I clubbed and partied every weekend. I had a better paying job [in a factory] than I have now. I met the love of my life at this time, but I was to stupid to realize it. Thinking back now, I believe this is where I began my downward spiral.

After I ruined that relationship: I got a part time job on Fridays and Saturdays making double my 40 hr income. I met a lot of people with titles and important positions in life. Most of them not all that great, despite what they and their followers thought.

Then I met nightmare number 2 who ran me from North Carolina - I wanted out so bad I left everything but my daughter and my clothes behind.

I guess I've probably bored you to tears at this point but oh well this is to help me find just a tiny spark of what I was before.

[Names withheld intentionally]